Words of the Ring
by Snowshoe Hare
Summary: A Parody of Lord of the Rings


When Mr. Bobo Baggy of Bag Beginning announced that he would shortly be celebrating his  
eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in  
Bobbiton. He was reputed to have great wealth stored in his fashionable house (Bag Beginning), and  
the Saxophone-Baggies were known to be quite jealous of him. He lived alone, and had only one  
relative whom he took a fancy to. That was Play-dough Baggy (Hobo Baggy's son), his nephew. He  
took him in as a heir.  
  
The tongues began to wag as the great event approached, not the least about the peculiarity regarding  
his choice of Play-dough, of whom it was said that he was not less than half Lewis (an odd lot those  
Lewises were, to be sure). The tongue which received the most attention was Clam Family, who had  
been Bobo's father's gardener. His son, Lamb-roast Family, now held that occupation. In the local  
pubs, Clam was known colloquially as Cougher.  
  
Finally the wizard Rudolf arrived, tied up in the back of a large cart. After Bobo untied him he muttered  
curses on Bobbit youth in general, and the ones that tied him up and made off with some of his best  
firecrackers in particular, and went into a long soliloquy about the degradation of the world, he finally  
ended with a climatic, "Woe is me! So, what about some scones, Bobo?"  
  
He and Bobo spent most of their time secreted away, smoking pipeweed,eating crumpets and jelly  
(along with many other delectables), telling jokes, and preparing for the party.  
  
The party was a splendid one, a large percentage of the population of the Pyre was invited, and they all  
enjoyed themselves immensely. A few brawls broke out, but these had been anticipated, and the  
brawlers were locked in closets until the party was over. It turned out to be rather lucky that Rudolf  
arrived when he did, for his fireworks sent many of the children who would have been extremely bored  
into paroxysms of laughter and excitement. Finally, as the night drew on and the party attendees began  
to think about going home (and some had already fallen asleep), Bobo stood up and gave a speech.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen" He proclaimed loudly. Suddenly he burst out in a fit of coughing in which he  
remained for approximately five minutes. A young bobbit offered him a drink, which he gratefully took,  
and quaffed. Sadly, this young bobbit was quite a mischievous fellow, and had filled the glass with  
peppercorns. Bobo was helped off the stage, and spent fifteen minutes recovering himself. The young  
bobbit was taken away by his father and switched.  
  
Finally Bobo regained his composure. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" He said even more loudly than the first  
time. Quite abruptly, all noise ceased. All turned to see who it was who had interrupted their  
conversation and, if necessary, to wreak their vengeance upon him. Eventually everyone realized that it  
was Bobo, and out of kindness to their host, they merely returned to their conversations.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen!" Screamed Bobo, and finally, all was quiet."Ladies and gentlemen, I have  
called you together for a purpose, indeed for three purposes, yet I shall not keep you long." He paused  
for effect, and a smattering of clapping broke out from those hopeful souls, thinking was the entirety of  
the speech. "First of all, I would like to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and eleventy-one  
years is far too short a time to spend among such admirable folk!" The crowd cheered.  
  
Bobo consulted with Rudolf, and was given a makeshift megaphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, if I could  
have your attention please!" The noise ceased once again. "Secondly I would like to announce that in  
order to celebrate my birthday and that of my beloved nephew, Play-dough, I plan to...' his voice  
trailed off in confusion, as he had forgotten what he had planned to say. He searched for his notes, and  
suddenly remembered they were back in his pantry. He improvised."Well, at one point in time I had  
planned to do something to celebrate it!" The crowd cheered. This time it died off by itself, however  
  
"Well, it doesn't matter what I had planned to do for reasons which you will learn in a moment, when I  
make my third announcement. My third announcement is this: despite the fact that I previously claimed  
that eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among such admirable folk, I regret to announce  
that this is the end. I'm going now!"  
  
Silence. More silence. Children began to squirm. Bobo was seen to be hastily searching through the  
dozens of pockets in his outfit, and was muttering quietly and desperately (though no one could hear),  
"Lost, my ring is lost! My Precious!" He finally found it in his left side lower waistcoat pocket. He  
suddenly became aware, once again, of all of the Bobbits sitting staring at him, squirming in their seats.  
He stood up, gave the crowd a sheepish grin ans said hurriedly, "Sorry about that."He shrugged, and  
then proceeded to disappear.  
  
There was more silence from the crowd, and then a nervous chuckle. As in all such cases, the  
perpetrator will never be known, but in any event, he stopped in embarrassment, as no one was joining  
in. Suddenly Ophelia Saxophone-Baggy (One of Bobo's least favorite relatives, if not his absolute least  
favorite) fell to the ground. she later claimed that her chair had been pulled out from under her by an  
unseen villain.  
  
Invisible, Bobo walked into his house. He chuckled to himself, removed the small, gold ring from his  
finger and suddenly, he was once again visible. The reason being, of course, that the ring was the cause  
of his invisibility. It was a magical ring, and he had gotten it from a creature named Column underneath  
the Christy mountains. He turned around to place the ring on the mantle above the fireplace, and was so  
startled that he stepped back and tripped over a stool with a surprised "Eep!"The reason for his  
surprise was that Tony was standing behind him.  
  
Tony was a big man, and he had recently been involved in some dirty business with Bobo. He had been  
trafficking in controlled substances. Due to competition from another source which appeared to be  
operating out the Gap of Rohan area, Bobo had been lax in his deliveries.  
  
"Tony" He squeaked. "I was just coming to see you!"  
  
Tony grabbed Bobo's shirt and pulled him to his feet. " Don't you lie tome! I've heard that you were  
planning on skipping town tonight. I don't like that, Bobo. I thought we had a deal? I paid you, I expect  
you to give me my money's worth. I don't take kindly to people not giving me what I pay for!" Tony  
exclaimed fiercely in a low voice, "I hope for you're sake that you have what you owe me, or I have a  
nice birthday present for you out in the cart."  
  
"Yes, yes, it's all right here in the cupboard," said Bobo as he pulled out three large sacks full of pipe  
weed. He handed the weed to Tony who was about to walk out the door when Rudolf came in. Rudolf  
looked at the pipe weed and said: "Hey, I've been looking for this stuff all over the place, it's near  
impossible to get my hands on it these days! Give me some! There's been some massive inflation in the  
market, since the rising indicators are showing large demand for the product while the supply-side  
economics are rather poor. The agregarian society can only output so much, you know - they need a  
middleman to swing the deals for them, and better farming equipment. Perhaps some poor immigrant  
could be used in the meantime..." Rudolf's babbling slowly descended into unintelligible muttering.  
  
Tony didn't understand anything but Rudolf's statement that he wanted some of the weed. "Yer gonna  
hafta pay fer it, buddy."  
  
Rudolf looked at Bobo, who was cowering underneath the overturned five-legged stool, and glowered  
at Tony. "Hand that to me now! Then, goto the town of Brick and see the head professor of basic  
English.  
  
"Now, to business." mysteriously intoned Rudolf, after Tony had obediently gone.  
  
"What business?" Queried Bobo, still worried about his connection with Tony.  
  
"None of your business," said Rudolf, and he laughed heartily, jiggling his immense belly. "Anyway, I  
don't think that you should take the ring with you. Give it to Play-dough."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No! It's mine, my precious, and I'm going to keep it"  
  
"Yes! I'm a wizard and I say so!" For a moment, the room seemed to darken, and Rudolf loomed eerily  
up in front of Bobo, as if daring him to challenge his judgement.  
  
Bobo shrunk underneath the stool and spoke meekly: "Okay."  
  
Bobo then started to leave, but was stopped by Rudolf. "What is it now?"  
  
"You didn't leave the ring, Bobo."  
  
"Oh yes, how silly of me. All right, well, I best be off."  
  
  
"Bobo!"  
  
"What now?"  
  
Rudolf sighed, and said patiently, "I said, leave the ring!"  
  
"Oh, yes, my mind, it's starting to go, you know." Bobo absently tossed the ring onto the mantle, and  
walked into the living room, muttering about losing his mind, Alzheimer's, and the rising cost of  
medicinal herbs. Shortly thereafter he returned to the hall, and walked past Rudolf in embarrassment, he  
tramped off into the distance, humming snatches of a mournful dirge. 


End file.
